Happy Birthday Jesus

Trust in the Lord

Right after my miscarriage, I came to a crossroad in my walk with the Lord. I had believed and prayed that this baby would be healthy and come to full term. Needless to say I was devastated after the miscarriage and questioned my faith. However I choose to trust God despite my loss and lack of understanding.

It is easy for me to praise God when things are going smoothly. It is easy to believe every word of the bible when one is not faced with trials, but God's word does not become a lie when things go wrong. The bible says that rain falls on the just and the unjust alike. It would be completely naive of me to expect that no bad thing will happen to me. Bad and unpleasant things will happen to us all. It is a part of life, inevitable. So it seems to go without saying that God is still God when life seems unbearable. He is unchanging. I truly believe it is when one goes through a rough time the honesty of ones faith and beliefs are tested. I can't say that I understand it all, but I trust in God. God and the bible don’t make complete sense to me, but He sees my end from my beginning, and also that of my baby and he knows best. To a certain extent, I feel the integrity of my faith has been tested.

I was cleaning out an old diaper bag during the week and I came across a memory verse card that was given to my son when he was a baby. I read it again tonight and tears came to my eyes as the assurance of God flooded my heart; "Blessed are those who trust in the Lord.... They are like trees planted along a river bank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat, or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves are green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8.

I would love to say that I am not bothered by the heat or droughts in my life, they bother me quite a bit sometimes, but I will trust in the Lord at all times, even when it hurts. And I am thankful I do not have the fruits of bitterness or envy. That despite my bad days, I can genuinely smile, laugh, give babies big hugs and kisses, and most important of all trust and sing praises to My Lord.

This Christmas

As Christmas approaches, I find that I get caught up in the gift giving and meal planning. One has to make a conscious effort to keep in mind what happened on that day 2000 years ago. Jesus my savior was born; born to die for every selfish thought, mean word, and, prideful act to name a few I commit. It is more than a day off, it is a day that cut time in half, and changed the world forever. God came to us, it is mind boggling.

This year however, I would like to approach Christmas differently by focusing His life. As a Christian I often focus on his teaching and attempt to live as He lived. This year I would like to focus on how life was for Jesus. Wonder what He did on His 17th birthday, Did He like apples or grapes? And although I may not get answers this side of heaven, I believe meditating on these things would humanize Him more for me. And help me even appreciate His birth for two reasons. One that God as awesome as He is would come into this world as a man (with all our limitations) for me, and secondly that Jesus fully human would choose to lay down His life for me before while I was still a sinner. Just a thought

To my Husband, my love, my hero

If I caught the world in a bottle and everything was still beneath the moon

Without your love would it shine for me?

If I was smart as Aristotle

And understood the rings around the moon

What would it all matter if you loved me?

Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still

With a million dreams to fulfill

And a matter of moments until the dancing ends

Here in your arms when everything seems to be clear

Not a solitary thing would I fear

Except when this moment comes near the dancing's end

Song: Until, Artist: Sting

I pray our dancing never comes to an end.... Thank you for all your love and support, you truly are me hero.

Ina's Corner

Today on Ina's corner, we have buffalo chicken wings. Trust me these are really really good. Not the healthiest of recipes but then again one does not make them everyday.

Like I mentioned before I especially love her recipes because they are easy to follow. When you get a chance catch her show on the Food Network, it is Barefoot contessa

16 chicken wings (about 3 pounds)
1/4 pound (1 stick) unsalted butter
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
4 teaspoons Frank's Hot Sauce, or 1 teaspoon Tabasco
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 1/2 cups crumbled Gorgonzola or other blue cheese
1 cup good mayonnaise
3/4 cup sour cream
2 tablespoons milk
3/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt
3/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Celery sticks, for servingPreheat the broiler.

Cut the chicken wings in thirds, cutting between the bones. Discard the wing tips. Melt the butter and add the cayenne, hot sauce, and salt. Put the wings on a sheet pan and brush them with the melted butter. Broil them about 3 inches below the heat for 8 minutes. Turn the wings, brush them again with the butter, and broil for 4 more minutes or until cooked.

For the sauce, place the blue cheese, mayonnaise, sour cream, milk, Worcestershire, salt, and pepper in the bowl of a food processor fitted with a steel blade. Process until almost smooth.

Serve the chicken wings hot or at room temperature with the blue cheese dip and celery sticks.

Copyright 2002, Barefoot Contessa Family Style

I love to cook, it is very therapeutic for me. Cutting ingredients, mixing flavors, the aroma, the finished product and of course "Mummy this is good" from my three year old is priceless.

Hello Again

It has been a min. I needed time to sort through my emotions. Can't say that I am completely fine, but I am feeling better each day. Loosing cookie was really hard and despite all the complications, somewhat unexpected.

At first I really missed my baby, kinda wired but it hurt that she/he was gone. As time has gone by, I feel better physically and mentally. I will blog some more later.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us, we truly appreciate it.

God bless

Bye bye love

Hello all, It is sad to report that I had a miscarriage on wednesday. I was 10 weeks 5 days. Please keep us in your prayers.

Pregnancy Update

I am now exactly 10 weeks pregnant. I am still bleeding but my doctor is not too concerned about it, as the baby (aka cookie) is growing very well. My next ultra sound is on Tuesday. It is always nice to see cookie. I heard the heartbeat at my last visit two weeks ago, and that was very heart warming.

More and more each day, I am learning to let go of the fear and control, because at this point the only thing I can do is slow my pace. The bleeding cannot really be controlled. So I am trusting God in this, after all He knows what is best for me.

And like Charles Spurgeon says; "No man can do me a truer kindness in this world than to pray for me."

Life in the Spirit

My devotional a couple of days ago lead me to the famous John 3 and this time the scripture that caught my attention was John 3: 5-6 and it reads; Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.

Being pregnant gave me a new revelation on this scripture; No one wakes up in the morning and says "today I want to be a Christian" out of our own free will, usually one comes under conviction of their sin and realize their need for Jesus and then give their lives to Jesus. From conviction to salvation it is the work of the spirit, it is a revelation. He leads us and if we respond to him a new Christian is born. It almost works that way with a little baby; it is through the act of husband and wife that a child is conceived. And just as an 8 week old baby cannot survive outside of the mother, so it is with a new born Christian.

We cannot get saved on our own hence we cannot stay saved without the tender nurturing care of the Holy Spirit. Just as a child needs his mama, so do we need the Holy Spirit. We need Him to feed us the word, we need Him to hug us with His presence everyday, and we need Him to remind us of the love of God, to guide us through this maze of life. And unlike a child who out grows total dependence on a mother, we can never outgrow our need for the daily guidance of the Holy Spirit.

It is a comfort to know that everyday of my life He will the right there with me, nurturing me, guiding me, protecting me and loving on me. No one else can be that for us, not even our mothers. Hence the scripture refers to the Holy Spirit and Living Water, we need Him to survive.

Do you have a Yesterday?

Do you have a yesterday that can heal someone's today? Have you gone through a rough patch and feel you have learned nothing from it? Well it has been my experience that the hard things I go through, my trials and tribulations later become a testimony and encouragement for someone else.

The bible teaches us that God always uses the bad things/experiences in our lives to teach and heal us. But what is even more beautiful and amazing is that in time the rough patch you come out of will later act as encouragement to someone else.

The question then arises, why do we have to go through rough patches, why do we have to experience losses. While there may be numerous theories the bible teaches that we live in a fallen world where we have our free will. If I choose to wake up tomorrow and not get out of bed and not do a thing, I can do it God does not control what I do. It is the same for all of us including murders, God does not control our actions hence the reactions are our responsibility. Sometime I wonder why God gave us free will, but I guess it is the beauty of a relationship with him, He wants us to choose Him and His ways, forced love can never be true love.There are somethings we bring upon ourselves, and there are other things we don't like a miscarriage or the like. We live in a world where evil prevails, somethings we will never understand this side of heaven, that is a given.

But rough patches don't last forever and eventually the tears I cry today will become the pool of my life experiences. I can choose to be bitter and not learn from my bad experiences, but on the other hand I can let God help me let go of the pain and hurt and reach out to someone else in pain and use my painful yesterday to bring encouragement and hope to someone's bad, rough today.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank "S'" for checking in on me and encouraging me. It truly has blessed me. I am now 9weeks 2days slow and steady, but we are surely moving forward.

Ina's Spot

One of my favorite shows to watch is the barefoot contessa which airs on the Food Network. The host of the show Ina Garten, is on my list of people I would absolutely love to meet. A self taught chef, her recipes are simple, easy to follow and most of the ingredients can be found in your pantry.

I am going to try and have an Ina corner every now and then. In Ina's corner today I am going to share with you one of my favorite Ina recipes Indonesian Ginger Chicken. I know it sounds scary but trust me it is very easy and you would love it. Steam veggies and mashed potatoes complete and perfect this dish. If you are bored with the same old same old baked chicken, this is a recipe that should please everyone.

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour
Yield: 4 to 6 servings

1 cup honey
3/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup minced garlic (8 to 12 cloves)
1/2 cup peeled and grated fresh ginger root
2 (3 1/2 pound) chickens, quartered, with backs removed

Cook the honey, soy sauce, garlic, and ginger root in a small saucepan over low heat until the honey is melted. Arrange the chicken in 1 layer in a shallow baking pan, skin side down, and pour on the sauce. Cover the pan tightly with aluminum foil. Marinate overnight in the refrigerator.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Place the baking pan in the oven and bake for 30 minutes. Uncover the pan, turn the chicken skin side up, and raise the temperature to 375 degrees F. Continue baking for 30 minutes or until the juices run clear when you cut between a leg and thigh and the sauce is a rich, dark brown

Copyright, 1999, The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook, All rights reserved

And like Ina always says; "Now how easy was that?"

Enjoy

Our Anniversary

Past Fears

It was at 8 weeks I had my last miscarriage so if anyone out there is praying for me, please pray for me to overcome my fears of it happening again. I am at the 8 week mark and I am afraid of history repeating. I hope it won't, I pray it would not. I believe it would not. In my quite time last week I asked God how do I exercise faith in the mist of past bad experiences. It happened then? I would let you guys know what answer I get. God is faithful to always respond, be it in a sermon, or in a reading. Thanks folks

Back From Hiatus

Hello all, I am back from a long break from the blog, for a combination of reasons; there has been a lot going on. I am about 8weeks 2days pregnant now. Initially they had found 2 sacs, but have only been able to detect one heart beat. Needless to say we are very excited. My morning sickness has not been that bad. I crave very spicy food - meaning I would rather not taste anything, I sleep for hours at a time, and I can smell absolutely everything, even the neighbor's laundry. LOL.

That has been the good side of the pregnancy. Now the not so great side. About a week and a half ago, I woke up at night to use the bathroom and found I was bleeding and passed a large mass of tissue. Initially I was scared and did not know what to think, thankfully they found my trooper's heartbeat going strong. My doctor told me that it is not abnormal to have some tissue loss with multiple pregnancies. Needless to say the bleeding has been very very depressing, because you are not supposed to bleed when you are pregnant. Well I have been on a strict bed rest to ensure the ruptured part of the uterus does spread and cut of the placenta.

This has really tested my trust in God again, which I feel is something I feel is wobbly. Why can't everything run smoothly?, why can't I control this? But this I cannot control, all I can do is stay off my feet, but sometimes that does not stop the bleeding. So really I have no control. It is hard trusting God, but what else can I do. I can be angry, not speak to Him for weeks on end, but deep in my heart I know His words are true; All things (good and bad) work together for my good, like it or not. And I have to trust in His sovereignty and not my abilities. I can't say that I like that very much but He is God and I am not and if He chooses not to fix this it must be for a reason.

Thanks to everyone who has checked in on me I really appreciate your thoughts. A burden shared is a burdened lightened.

My Husband

This past weekend I was a basket case; with me spotting and all.

This post is to tell my husband who I know sneaks here every once in a while that he is the best. He stuck with me, encouraging me and propping up my faith. Thank you babe. I am truly lucky (on some days) to be married to you. Loads of love and to many more years together. I love you.

Songs of Solomon 2: 3-6

And compared to other youths, my lover is like the finest apple tree in the orchard. I am seated in his delightful shade, and his fruit is delicious to eat. He brings me to the banquet hall, so everyone can see how much he loves me. Oh, feed me with your love--your `raisins and your `apples--for I am utterly lovesick! His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me.

Sailing Along

There is nothing much to report. I have been so busy catching up on the things that were ignored during the IVF process. Work. I have not caught up on cleaning the house. Standing gives me cramps. Well that aside. My bible study time has been focusing on Romans 12: 1-2;

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will

I read this scripture a while back and it has tayeded in my heart for a while. I have tried moving on to no avail. I find myself back here. The lesson/principle/truth hidden in the above scripture is life changing. I have thought/meditated/prayed about it, and I pray it becomes a lifestyle for me. Over the next couple of days/weeks I will try and discuss the lessons I have learned. Discuss what God reveals to me

Pregnancy: I am fine. Tired and nauseousus if I don't eat. I have another doctor'appointmentnt on Mondayay to check my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone levels), then I think I have one more blood check after that. Then an ultrasound.

Scare

It is 1:55am and I started spotting about an hour ago. Needless to say I am besides myself. I am sitting her beside my sleeping husband. We have prayed and he believes all will be well. A small part of me believes it too. Oh but if it were not true.

I believe all will be well. The spotting has stopped for now.

All I have been able to say is Jesus Jesus Jesus non stop. His name is the only thing that has calmed me. I am not going to bed yet. I can't possibly sleep. I want to wait this one out. Jesus please.

Oh and I just found out steve Irwin was dead. I loved that show. feels like I lost a friend. Loved his enthusiasm. If only we had a passion for God like that. May God grant peace to his young family.

Bye Bye TV

I don't know if I could ever find this funny. I know my husband would be brought to tears. But being an outside observer it is kinda hilarious

Morning sickness has set in. But thankfully it is truly morning sickness, but mid-afternoon I am fine. I have no appetite although everything still is edible. I am not repulsed by everything yet. I am also not very useful for the most part of the day. Today for instance I woke up with a throbbing headache, barely made it out of the house and was on my couch till now. I just had dinner so I feel fine. Just and updated. No complains though as sad as it sounds I am enjoying every minute.

Positive Pregnancy Test

I really can't say how I feel. To want something for so long and then it happen. I got a positive home pregnancy test. As I watched the sign turn to a plus I was in mini shock. It was a 5 am in the morning. I couldn't cry, I could not laugh. I just starred at it. The plus sign I had hoped to see every month for the last 2 years. There it was.

The other day I was at the store and I had not had anything to eat and it was almost 1pm. I almost passed out at the check our lane. Ist sign. And then all of a sudden I have no appetite for food. I forget to eat till it is dinner time, absolutely nothing appeals to me. 2nd sign cause I love to eat. Finally heartburn. I get heartburn maybe 2ice a year. I have had it almost everyday for the last four days. It was the heartburn that prompted me to take the HPT.

Instead of rejoicing I felt so bad for not trusting and believing God. I felt so bad for my lack of faith. It is a growing process. And I know He uses signs and wonders to build our faith. This has been a trust building process for me. Why did I have to go through all this to get here, I may never know. But I have to trust that it is for my good. The bible says all things (good and bad things) work out for our good. And although this process was hard for me, there are millions in the world who go through worse daily. I live in a home I love, sleep next to a man I adore. Live in the land of the free. I really do not have much to complain about. But He is concerned about what concerns me, and only heaven knows why I went into menopause at such a young age only heaven knows. But I trust that He knows best and it is for my good. I am getting closer to the point where I say. Lord I hate this, it is not my way, it is not what I want, my heart is breaking, but I WILL TRUST YOU.

I am not there yet, but I am one step closer than I was 2 years ago. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a step. This part of my journey is over. I have another ahead of me. In 9 months we are going to have a baby. It is going to take faith, it is going to take trusting God that all will be well. More trust steps need to be taken. Lord I pray they are less painful. My heart is open and as I learn to trust you completely. Blood test in the doctor's office is on tuesday. Then Ultrasound shortly after.

HPT

I give in. I am going to do a home pregnancy test.

What if we have twins or triplets

The thought never really occurred to me till today that we may end up with Twins or Triplets. While the thought of twins is very appealing to me, the thought of triplets is quite scary. 3 babies. My husband is terrified of having twins.

If we have twins I would like a boy and a girl.
If we have triplets - I think I would need to be resuscitated
If we have a singleton - I would like a boy

But like I blogged about earlier I would be very happy and blessed with any of the three. Blood test on Tuesday. Is it just me or does tuesday feel like an eternity away.

The Waiting Game

I was really tempted to take a Home Pregnancy Test (HPT) today. In fact I woke up my husband asks where I am going, and I tell him. Get to the bathroom and took the test and it was positive - the only thing - I was dreaming. So I actually wake up, get the test out, but got too chicken to take it.

There are some days I feel really pregnant, other days I feel my period should be here any day soon. Ohhhhhhhhhhh my goodness, some days I am confident other days I am close to tears. My heart is really struggling. I should believe God, but I have so many questions. Why should I have to go through this when He can do it in the first place all by Himself.

What is interesting is that no matter the outcome I am going no where. I will still struggle to build up my faith. Well I week from today I will find out if I will build up my faith full of joy, or full of tears.

2 Week Wait - Day 1 - My Friend's Dream

To while away my 2 week I am going to blog about random thoughts. This however is not too random, it is a dream a friend of mine had that was really Erie.

On Saturday after my egg retrieval, my good friend (whom I will call AR), calls too check in on me and then tells me about her dream. The dream: We are both in a doctors office and she is sitting behind me and sees all I see, but I can't see her - as she is behind me. And after a,while of waiting I hear singing and tell AR to stop singing. I am not singing she responds. And then one more time I hear singing (pls keep in mind this is a dream) and I tell her again to stop singing and then suddenly a flash of light goes across the room and female angel appears.

Well I thought the dream was cute. It was very encouraging and I was thankful for it. I am not big on angels, nothing against them but my focus has always been on Jesus, so I don't focus on the wrong things.

So that is the dream. Monday I get a call from my nurse letting me know that my transfer is for Tuesday. My husband was not available so I was planning on going on my own. So AR and I touch base on Monday night and she offers to come along.

As it turns we get into the transfer room and she ends up sitting behind me and sees everything I see the ultrasound screen, the nurse - she has a great view of the whole room, but I do not see her. Like that is not Erie enough. They turn the lights off and my doctor puts a hat with a white light - like a miners hat with the light - and at one point he swings around in his chair and a quick flash of light goes across the room. White light. I am like that is the angel she saw. The only thing missing was the music/singing

Now keep in mind when she had this dream she had no idea she was coming with me. In fact the decision to come into the room with me was made in the waiting room as I waited my turn. What does this mean? I believe God did send an angel to be with me in that room, and every time I think about it I am thankful. AR by the way gets chicken skin when we talk about it. As women you know we have talked about it quite a bit.

Transfer Was Today

My transfer was for today. It was relatively painless. Out of the three Embryos two were grade "A" embryo's and one was a grade "B". According to my embryologist, I have a 50 - 60% chance of getting pregnant. These are my probabilities.

• It is most probably I will get pregnant
• The next most probably outcome is that I not get pregnant
• The next most probable outcome is that I have twins
• And finally the most improbable outcome is that I have triplets.
  

Well other than the second option I will take all the other three. My hope is that it is God's will and at then end of it all we have a little baby come may. I have a pregnancy test in early September, so I have 13 days to wait. I am going to keep blogging and keep my feet off the ground. Please keep me in your prayers. Don't know what I am going to blog about. I have to keep my mind off of it. I know what, my friend had the wiredest dream the other day. I have to share that next.

All nerves

This is my third posting today and hopefully my last till Tuesday I will try really had to keep off till I hear how the embryos are doing. I am really nervous. Faith can be really hard, but like I have said in previous posts it is not a faith issue for me per say, it is trusting God.

I know God can do anything, He is God. But what if it is not His will for me. That is where I struggle. Trusting His judgment and trusting the outcome is what He wills because He is sovereign. It is like jumping off a precipice giving up control of my life to God, but that is what He wants. "Everything" And although this may not seem like every thing - it is a start. It really is. And maybe this is why I am on this journey, to learn to give it up and trust Him for the really big things. Only heaven knows. I think I am going to call it a night and go build up my faith for tomorrow funny enough I have a Bible reading plan that I go to when every now and then and this was today's reading it from Luke 18:35-42 . It talks about a man getting his sight back because of his faith. (I have quoted from Luke for a while so It is very true) It gave me confidence for a minute but then the mind voices started again. Now it is time to believe the word instead of the voices. So if anyone is praying for me out there please now will be the time.

Thanks all.

Oh ye of little faith

My husband and I have decided to only fertilize 3 eggs out of the 21 and believe God for the best. Some times I feel very confident about the decision, other times I am riddled with doubt and fear. One part of me wants to fertilize all the eggs and then make a selection of the best 3 from the lot and discard the rest. I also know if we do this, I will never be able to live with myself and I will be the biggest hypocrite I know. Preaching one thing, but living another.

I am hoping and believing God that by Tuesday I will have a great testimony. This has to be hands down one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make. I want to be selfish and not care about what I believe after all God will forgive me right? hmmmm. Will I forgive myself for taking advantage of His grace and of life.

I think in life we all have defining moments, instances where time stands still and we make decisions that can change the course of our lives. I really feel this is one of those decisions for us. Either we live what we believe and believe God and know He knows what is best for us. Or we forget everything and look out for numero uno.

Oh ye of little faith.......... Haven't I come through for you again and again. Trust me and your children will be like the taste of honey to you and to me.

Lord we give the reins back to you. Guide the doctors hands and let him miraculously select all that You will for us in Jesus name we pray, Amen.

Moral Dilemma

I couple days ago I rejoiced over the 21 follicles developing, now we are faced with a huge moral dilemma. Of the 21 follices/eggs how many should be fertilized? Do we want to freeze any of the fertilized embryos? And after the eggs fertilized what do we do with the babies not implanted in me?

Follicle Count

Today I went in for my ultrasound and estrogen level check. As of today I have 21 follicles developing and estrogen level of 3,000. I know this sounds like an outrageous number, but considering my doctor only expected about 4 or more follicles to develop I am ecstatic. So is my doctor. They are very pleased with my response. I am very thankful to God.

I know this sounds cliches, but my test results do not line up with how my body is responding to treatment. The test results (which I have done about 6 times in the last year and a half) consistently show premature ovarian failure. This is what they do; they draw blood on day three of my menstrual cycle and test the fsh levels. Normal levels in women in their childbearing years is between 4 - 10. My obgyn told me she does not like even seeing a 9, and then she referred me to a fertility specialist.

Anything greater than 10 is considered ovarian failure. Mine was 12.8 and my doctor felt my ovaries had aged - more like a woman's in her mid 40s. Seeing him today was interesting. His words verbatim, "your fsh is not indicative of the conditions of your ovaries". Needless to say I am so thankful and I believe God hand will follow us throughout the whole process.

I know this is not everyones testimony - so I am especially thankful for this and I am not even pregnant yet. I will pray for anyone who needs prayers. Consistently through this process, I have been led to this scripture Luke 11: 5-10 and I have never figured out why I had to keep praying if He heard me the first time, or why I had to pray at all, but this is the road I found ahead of me, the cup placed before me. And I tried really hard to take the road and drink my portion. I can't say I did it happily but I have tried really to take it all and be thankful. My road is not nearly over but whatever the outcome, it may take me a couple of months to adjust to either outcome, but adjust I will and praise Him I will.

Progress till date

My treatment is going well till date. Not without its ups and downs (still on the emotional roller coaster - but I am focusing on His promises and not how I feel). I began my daily injections on Tuesday, August 8th. The injections are not too painful, it is kinda wired injecting oneself. Oh well.

So over the weekend I got discouraged, for no real reason per say, but I was down on the dumps. And I began to google the success rate for IVF treatment with women who are going through menopause or one who has a high fsh. I mean it was like someone punched me in the tummy. Most of the articles I read said it was a waste of time to even bother with treatment - basically there was no hope and the ovaries will not respond to stimulation. So I had that hanging over me and getting discouraged. And God ministered to me over the weekend about my self pity and doubt - more on that later.

So anyway I went into my first doctors appointment today since beginning treatment, I prayed and as I usually do, I actively practice leaving all my fears and concerns at the feet of Jesus. So I go in for my ultra sound to find out if I am responding to the injections. The lady starts looking and of course I can't help but ask; "how many follicles do you see?" "Well I see only one, but gimmie a minute" My heart dropped and I prayed Lord your will be done, was disappointed. So I am laying there and she keeps typing and moving the ultrasound wand around. At the end of it all, she counts 13.

Wow, 13. My nurse was very surprised. My doctor had thought, given my prognosis, I would only have maybe 5 or 6 follicles. Well the number was doubled. Needless to say I was ecstatic. One would have thought I was already pregnant.

I needed to share that. And heaven only knows what the outcome of this would be. I hope to have a baby. But whatever it maybe I will give God all glory because he deserves it no matter the outcome. I will share more on His faithfulness to me over the weekend, in the days to come.

God bless - He came that we my have life and have it more abundantly John 10: 10.

The faithfulness of God

I came across this Blog and this posting spoke to my heart. Speaks to the faithfulness of God. He is faithful to minister in the mist of a fog not storm, but when you don't know which way to go.

Present Day Hope: A Classic Case of Watered Down Dreams

We all have things that we are hoping for, dreaming of and desperately desire. I am sure we can each name several things that we would like to see come to pass, materialize - you know just happen. But what do you do when you are in between the conception and manifestation. Initially it is easy to live with the concept, but after a while it becomes harder to "keep the hope alive". It becomes easier to deaden the longing than live with a longing unmet in the wake of the harsh reality that screams "it will never happen". As crazy as it may seem our reality constantly sends messages straight to our brains that cause us to continually assess our present circumstances. However, our dreams reside in our hearts which creates a tug of war - heart vs. mind. Our mind is wired to process facts often gathered through observation, inquiry, confirmation, etc. but our hearts are designed to believe in possibilities that often border the impossible or supernatural realm.

Possibilities are fueled by faith and sustained by hope but often quenched by doubt and suppressed by fear. One of the hardest feats in life is to have hope in the midst of contrary circumstances. So how do we cope… well I can tell you how I cope. It's rather simple really; I water down my dreams to what I can manage and what my abilities can make happen. I take an inventory of my skills, talents and even gifts and draft a plan. Basically I reduce my dreams to attainable goals where some level of effort required but nothing considerable of course then that would be dreaming. Goals are easier to manage, track and eventually attain. It is like having a "to-do" list, goals are items you can cross off and put behind you. Personally it is too hard to hope and live all at the same time. Life has enough challenges without adding the heartache of unmet longings. There are so many demands on me from the world around me on any given day, week, month that it makes it almost unbearable to place a perpetual demand on myself to dream the impossible or believe the incredible.

What is crazy is that just when I have finished trading my dreams for goals and think I have solved the dilemma of hopelessness is when God stirs my desire for dream once again. He will send a messenger that says "Don't give up, Don't give in.. trust Me" or he will permeate my thoughts while I sleep with a vivid dream or he will simply use some nostalgic event to arouse my memory (an old school song, journal entry, picture). God is relentless, persistent but all the while a loving father who won't let us settle down for watered down dreams and won't even let us annihilate the desire to see the dream come to pass. God knows that our attempt to annihilate the hope of our dreams is a form of self mutilation as we kill off a piece of who we are - our hearts. He loves us too much to allow us to degenerate into dead men walking -merely just existing from day to day. If he wanted us to be void of a soul, he would have created us to function as robots. It is the hope of our dreams that connect us to the heart of God and provides an entry point for God to enter our hearts which in turn brings us life and sustains us. Hope expands our hearts to breathe in God but hope is not without its share of tears. Our tears create a pool of water where the greatest miracles can take place - like the turning of water into wine.

posted by Ese @ 4:40 AM

The IVF Journey Begins

My period came late today so tomorrow is considered the first day of my period.

The IVF journey begins. I start with the injections tomorrow. Lord I really believe that it is for freedom that you have set us free. I do not want my desires to entangle me into despair and hold me in bondage. May your will be done, be near to me and hold my heart in your hands, close to your heart. Gal 5:1 and Psalm 139:5

Lord do a work in my husband and me. Let this cross bring you glory and change our lives for the better. May it lead us and keep us in the early Eden experience where we walk and talk together with you in Jesus name, through whom we are receive our righteousness

Ordinary vs. Extraordinary

I came across this question on a blog that I read: "How does your life feel ordinary and how can it be truly extraordinary?". The question was open to the blog readers and a lady gave this very interesting, yet simple answer.

"Life is made up of ordinary days" is a favorite quote of mine. I can still remember my first moment of "ordinary days". It was soon after coming home from my honeymoon. The year before had been full of meeting my husband, being wooed, getting engaged, and planning a wedding. And an extraordinary day...all eyes were on us. Then, we were just another couple, learning, growing, going to work, and paying bills. Days, months, and a year went by, and then a new adventure: I was a mother to be. Well, the baby arrived, the grandparents glowed, the gifts arrived, and then Dad and grandma went back to work and I began a new set of "ordinary days". Click here to read on

Trust and Obey

During my quite time today, this hymn came to mind. God is faithful to comfort.

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we'’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Refrain

Emotional Roller Coaster

Today was a low day, not all day, but for most of the day. I found out some else was pregnant today. What makes this especially hard is that I feel alone. The wonderful lady had a son a month after I had my child, but she had some emergency surgery done immediately after delivery, and the doctors felt that permanent damage was done to her ovaries, so no more children. Misery (not total) loves company. There is a sense of things being okay when you are not the only one going through a difficult situation.

She is a Christian as well, early 30s. If felt like we had a secret bond. I wonder why God answered her prayers and not mine................ But I know it is not very wise to compare, we are all called to walk different paths. But Lord, it stings

I know at the back of my mind God will answer my prayers - could be a yea or No. I really hope it is a yea, and soon.

Hope deferred makes the heart Sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

Finally, I am rewinding

Rewinding back a couple of decades (years pls I am still young lol). I became a Christian at a very young age 17. And my life was smooth sailing from then on, well then till a couple of years ago. I did not struggle much with my faith, with praying and receiving. And whenever I prayed and did not receive, I usually was blessed with something bigger than I imagined. I never really waited on the Lord too long. I don’t' say this arrogantly but as the plain truth. This was my experience. He has always blessed me beyond my expectations.

Then shortly after I got married, things began to spiral out of my control, not my marrige, just everything else that concerned. I would pray and nothing happened, in fact sometimes it seemed to get worse. Then finally we decided to have another baby, then I had a miscarriage which was devastating, but oddly enough I was not too shaken by it, because God cocooned me with His presence and love. And a day or two after my miscarriage, I read Psalm 139:13-16 and my heart was at peace.

So naturally we tried for another baby and this blog was born.

This is my honest analysis of my situation; I am somewhat of a control freak. I will not take on more juggling balls than I can juggle, and when my balls are juggling nothing should interrupt me. This is a problem. When you give your life to God, you basically give Him control of the number of balls and the juggling. But learning to do this is a process, we are not born trusting God, when we get saved we do not immediately trust God completely. It is a process. And my juggling balls after 13 years of being a Christian means I am not trusting God completely. And if you ask me, honestly I will say I trust Him, but I have not had an experience trusting Him. Basically, I need a life lesson in trusting God and letting Him show Himself to be who He says He is. What we like to call a testimony. Because until now, I have verbally said I trust God but I have never really had to walk around blinded and with my hands tied (not being able to see/control the things around me). My infertility is just one of many things that are not going the way I planned, but it is the most personal, nothing has pierced my heart more.

So I say Lord, I am here, teach me to trust you. May I live to tell of your wonderful grace. I know this process is painful but it is purification, and a letting go of who I am and becoming more like Jesus. Lord:

Take my life, and let it be Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days, Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands, and let them move At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet, and let them be Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips, and let them be Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold: Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect, and use Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine, It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own, It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself, and I will be, Ever, only, all for Thee.

Words: Frances R. Havergal (1836-1839)
Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791)

Psalm 23, Antithesis by Marcia K. Hornok

The clock is my dictator,

I shall not rest.

It makes me lie down only when exhausted.

It leads me to deep depression. It hounds my soul.

It leads me in circles of frenzy for activity's sake.

Even though I run frantically from task to task, I will never get it all done, for my "Ideal" is with me.

Deadlines and my need for approval they drive me.

They demand performance from me beyond the limits of my schedule.

They anoint my head with Migraines. My in-basket overflows.

Surely fatigue and time pressure shall follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the bonds of frustration forever.

Don't waste your cancer

One of my favorite authors is John Piper. I have his website listed on the right Desiring God

He was diagnosed with prostate cancer sometime last year and wrote Don'Â’t waste your cancer on the eve of his surgery. It is a really great article and it blessed me. Hope it blesses and encourages you too.

Have a good one.


PS: John Piper has written a lot of great books ; I read "50 reasons why Jesus came to die" . The books crystallized God's plan of salvation to me. He is in the process of making all his books available online for free. (Amazing if you ask me ) Check it out

If you are a new to Christ or if you want to remind yourself why Jesus came and died for you. Or you are just curious what the hoopla is all about. Pick up a copy of 50 Reasons He Came to Die pray and ask God to open your heart.

Pity Party

I think almost everyone I know is pregnant... no kidding and although I am genuinely happy for them. I can't help feeling I wish it were me.

I had a mini pity party today. I despise pity parties, I really do. I hate to wallow in my woes. My goodness ok, I know I am healthy (apart from the menopause thing, which is not really an illness), yeah my husband loves me and I completely adore him (I have to pinch myself sometimes, can't believe I married him) but woe is me I only have one baby and I want more. How ungrateful can I be? There is so much to be thankful for........

When I get into one of my "woe is me" phases, all I do is switch on CNN and I am cured. Yeah, there are things in my life that are not perfect, things I would like to change, but then again there is so much that is so right and priceless.

I am thankful to God for giving me the grace to see beyond my problems and learn to appreciate and enjoy all that I have now. It truly is only by His grace. Cause all I have is now. Today.

Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done. Count your blessings, name them one by one. And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

1. I woke up this morning with a sound mind (then my son walked in and out that went)
2. I cooked up a great meal - I could afford to buy all I wanted
3. I love my house. It is beautiful. Just enough for me
4. My husband still thinks I am sexy. Tres Important
   
5. I am very healthy - Was able to run a couple of miles this morning
6. I love what I do
7. 7. 8. ............................100.

I think when we all stand before the judgment seat of God, it is the things that we are not aware of that will blow us away. How He saved us from so much harm, How He carried us when we felt we could not go on............ those are the things that will surprise us. How much He loves us and longs to be near us. Those are the things that will simply stated blow our minds. How He loves us. I want to know that love, this side of heaven. what about you?

Will flash back at a later time

I will have to flash back at a later time. Today I really just want to vent and let off some steam. I went for my initial IVF work up today.

I met with my nurse for a little IVF 101 today. It was somewhat overwhelming. On the first day of my period through day 13 of my cycle, I have to give myself 3 subcutaneous injections daily. These injections are to stimulate follicle/egg development.

I am a little scared and overwhelmed. My doctor, who by the way is really great, cannot promise us a successful pregnancy. So I have to go through all this and not know for sure if it will work. How do I apply my faith here? And I did something that was not very smart today. I decided to goggle my diagnosis and for anyone who is familiar with goggle, it can be really depressing and discouraging. Not very smart. All the time I was surfing, I was getting convicted. Instead of reading my bible and basing my faith on what God has said. I went online to base my faith on what the experts say and to further depress myself. WHOSE REPORT DO I BELIEVE? Who do I believe? Do I believe what the experts say, or do I place my trust in my God?

Simply Stated, In all my mixed up emotions, through my tears, fears and doubts a couple of things stand out in my mind as I can’t clearly articulate my thoughts. I am in love with my lord and savior Jesus Christ and I know He loves me even more and all things will work out for my good. And through it all I want to come out in His perfect will. I want to go through this process and not come out scarred or bitter regardless of the outcome. I want to be able to count my blessing and be grateful for all I have. I know God places desires in our hearts for His glory. So weather or not my desires are fulfilled this side of heaven, I want my life to give Him glory. Lord take my life; my joys hurts, fears and dreams and use them for your glory in Jesus name. Amen.

Journey

My journey began almost 2 years ago when my husband and I decided to have another baby. Our first child was a preschooler, and we felt it was time to have another baby, and after our first try I was pregnant. Needless to say I was ecstatic. A couple of months later however, I had a miscarriage. So, we waited a couple of months and decided to try again. And nothing happened.

We had a couple of test conducted and it was discovered that I was going into the early stages of menopause. I was in my late 20's at the time. My reactions ranged from "This doctor is a quack sweetheart" to speechlessness. I was what? Is someone playing a very bad joke on me.

So here I am. The doctors say our only hope of conceiving is through IVF. Which morally I have no real problems with but this has/had been my dilemma through all of this. I have always believed every syllable of the bible (or at least I thought I did). The bible is full of scripture about healing, and miracles. So naturally I began to pray for a miracle of a baby in my life. I have prayed and believed for a miracle every month for the past year and a half. And still no baby. I have cried, prayed and still no baby. I began to wonder, am I approaching this situation from the right perspective, with the right attitude? And over course of these months my moods/attitudes towards God have been Anger, pleading, confusion, distrust and faithlessness. "What do you want from me Lord, I don't get it?", I scream in my heart and soul..... And one day these words were dropped in my heart. "I WANT EVERYTHING".

To give everything of me. My goodness Lord, that is a lot. How do I do that lord? My Lord!!!!

I will rewind back a couple of years on my next post.

Simply Stated

Life simply stated......

Life does not always turn out the way we hope, usually it takes a couple of detours from the we imagined it into very unfamiliar areas. Sometimes these detours are pleasant surprises, but often times they are not.

What do we do then?

How do we deal with the hurt of failed relationships? What happens to our broken dreams?

Today, I find myself on one of those detours and I am not a happy camper. In fact, I have cried buckets today, I did not want to get out of bed. I believe in God, and in His son Jesus Christ, and I wish I could say I woke up believing in His sovereignty over my situation today. But this morning, I did not.

But as my day worn on, in God's gracious and wonderful way, God's peace and love overtook me.............. My problems have not rolled away, but I know my life is controlled by Him.

I know this may seem unclear to you as you read this blog. But I pray for the courage to explain my pain with infertility, and how God has wiped my every tear, and comforted me. It is a daily struggle, trusting and believing He is who He says He is. I am still not pregnant. So why am I here? Simply stated, I want to walk this new path and share my experiences with you; we may cry together, we may laugh, but whatever we do, it is less painful and more fun when done with company.........

PS; As you can tell, I am not a writer...................