Finally, I am rewinding

Rewinding back a couple of decades (years pls I am still young lol). I became a Christian at a very young age 17. And my life was smooth sailing from then on, well then till a couple of years ago. I did not struggle much with my faith, with praying and receiving. And whenever I prayed and did not receive, I usually was blessed with something bigger than I imagined. I never really waited on the Lord too long. I don’t' say this arrogantly but as the plain truth. This was my experience. He has always blessed me beyond my expectations.

Then shortly after I got married, things began to spiral out of my control, not my marrige, just everything else that concerned. I would pray and nothing happened, in fact sometimes it seemed to get worse. Then finally we decided to have another baby, then I had a miscarriage which was devastating, but oddly enough I was not too shaken by it, because God cocooned me with His presence and love. And a day or two after my miscarriage, I read Psalm 139:13-16 and my heart was at peace.

So naturally we tried for another baby and this blog was born.

This is my honest analysis of my situation; I am somewhat of a control freak. I will not take on more juggling balls than I can juggle, and when my balls are juggling nothing should interrupt me. This is a problem. When you give your life to God, you basically give Him control of the number of balls and the juggling. But learning to do this is a process, we are not born trusting God, when we get saved we do not immediately trust God completely. It is a process. And my juggling balls after 13 years of being a Christian means I am not trusting God completely. And if you ask me, honestly I will say I trust Him, but I have not had an experience trusting Him. Basically, I need a life lesson in trusting God and letting Him show Himself to be who He says He is. What we like to call a testimony. Because until now, I have verbally said I trust God but I have never really had to walk around blinded and with my hands tied (not being able to see/control the things around me). My infertility is just one of many things that are not going the way I planned, but it is the most personal, nothing has pierced my heart more.

So I say Lord, I am here, teach me to trust you. May I live to tell of your wonderful grace. I know this process is painful but it is purification, and a letting go of who I am and becoming more like Jesus. Lord:

Take my life, and let it be Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days, Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands, and let them move At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet, and let them be Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips, and let them be Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold: Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect, and use Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine, It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own, It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself, and I will be, Ever, only, all for Thee.

Words: Frances R. Havergal (1836-1839)
Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791)

Psalm 23, Antithesis by Marcia K. Hornok

The clock is my dictator,

I shall not rest.

It makes me lie down only when exhausted.

It leads me to deep depression. It hounds my soul.

It leads me in circles of frenzy for activity's sake.

Even though I run frantically from task to task, I will never get it all done, for my "Ideal" is with me.

Deadlines and my need for approval they drive me.

They demand performance from me beyond the limits of my schedule.

They anoint my head with Migraines. My in-basket overflows.

Surely fatigue and time pressure shall follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the bonds of frustration forever.

Don't waste your cancer

One of my favorite authors is John Piper. I have his website listed on the right Desiring God

He was diagnosed with prostate cancer sometime last year and wrote Don'Â’t waste your cancer on the eve of his surgery. It is a really great article and it blessed me. Hope it blesses and encourages you too.

Have a good one.


PS: John Piper has written a lot of great books ; I read "50 reasons why Jesus came to die" . The books crystallized God's plan of salvation to me. He is in the process of making all his books available online for free. (Amazing if you ask me ) Check it out

If you are a new to Christ or if you want to remind yourself why Jesus came and died for you. Or you are just curious what the hoopla is all about. Pick up a copy of 50 Reasons He Came to Die pray and ask God to open your heart.

Pity Party

I think almost everyone I know is pregnant... no kidding and although I am genuinely happy for them. I can't help feeling I wish it were me.

I had a mini pity party today. I despise pity parties, I really do. I hate to wallow in my woes. My goodness ok, I know I am healthy (apart from the menopause thing, which is not really an illness), yeah my husband loves me and I completely adore him (I have to pinch myself sometimes, can't believe I married him) but woe is me I only have one baby and I want more. How ungrateful can I be? There is so much to be thankful for........

When I get into one of my "woe is me" phases, all I do is switch on CNN and I am cured. Yeah, there are things in my life that are not perfect, things I would like to change, but then again there is so much that is so right and priceless.

I am thankful to God for giving me the grace to see beyond my problems and learn to appreciate and enjoy all that I have now. It truly is only by His grace. Cause all I have is now. Today.

Count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done. Count your blessings, name them one by one. And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

1. I woke up this morning with a sound mind (then my son walked in and out that went)
2. I cooked up a great meal - I could afford to buy all I wanted
3. I love my house. It is beautiful. Just enough for me
4. My husband still thinks I am sexy. Tres Important
   
5. I am very healthy - Was able to run a couple of miles this morning
6. I love what I do
7. 7. 8. ............................100.

I think when we all stand before the judgment seat of God, it is the things that we are not aware of that will blow us away. How He saved us from so much harm, How He carried us when we felt we could not go on............ those are the things that will surprise us. How much He loves us and longs to be near us. Those are the things that will simply stated blow our minds. How He loves us. I want to know that love, this side of heaven. what about you?

Will flash back at a later time

I will have to flash back at a later time. Today I really just want to vent and let off some steam. I went for my initial IVF work up today.

I met with my nurse for a little IVF 101 today. It was somewhat overwhelming. On the first day of my period through day 13 of my cycle, I have to give myself 3 subcutaneous injections daily. These injections are to stimulate follicle/egg development.

I am a little scared and overwhelmed. My doctor, who by the way is really great, cannot promise us a successful pregnancy. So I have to go through all this and not know for sure if it will work. How do I apply my faith here? And I did something that was not very smart today. I decided to goggle my diagnosis and for anyone who is familiar with goggle, it can be really depressing and discouraging. Not very smart. All the time I was surfing, I was getting convicted. Instead of reading my bible and basing my faith on what God has said. I went online to base my faith on what the experts say and to further depress myself. WHOSE REPORT DO I BELIEVE? Who do I believe? Do I believe what the experts say, or do I place my trust in my God?

Simply Stated, In all my mixed up emotions, through my tears, fears and doubts a couple of things stand out in my mind as I can’t clearly articulate my thoughts. I am in love with my lord and savior Jesus Christ and I know He loves me even more and all things will work out for my good. And through it all I want to come out in His perfect will. I want to go through this process and not come out scarred or bitter regardless of the outcome. I want to be able to count my blessing and be grateful for all I have. I know God places desires in our hearts for His glory. So weather or not my desires are fulfilled this side of heaven, I want my life to give Him glory. Lord take my life; my joys hurts, fears and dreams and use them for your glory in Jesus name. Amen.

Journey

My journey began almost 2 years ago when my husband and I decided to have another baby. Our first child was a preschooler, and we felt it was time to have another baby, and after our first try I was pregnant. Needless to say I was ecstatic. A couple of months later however, I had a miscarriage. So, we waited a couple of months and decided to try again. And nothing happened.

We had a couple of test conducted and it was discovered that I was going into the early stages of menopause. I was in my late 20's at the time. My reactions ranged from "This doctor is a quack sweetheart" to speechlessness. I was what? Is someone playing a very bad joke on me.

So here I am. The doctors say our only hope of conceiving is through IVF. Which morally I have no real problems with but this has/had been my dilemma through all of this. I have always believed every syllable of the bible (or at least I thought I did). The bible is full of scripture about healing, and miracles. So naturally I began to pray for a miracle of a baby in my life. I have prayed and believed for a miracle every month for the past year and a half. And still no baby. I have cried, prayed and still no baby. I began to wonder, am I approaching this situation from the right perspective, with the right attitude? And over course of these months my moods/attitudes towards God have been Anger, pleading, confusion, distrust and faithlessness. "What do you want from me Lord, I don't get it?", I scream in my heart and soul..... And one day these words were dropped in my heart. "I WANT EVERYTHING".

To give everything of me. My goodness Lord, that is a lot. How do I do that lord? My Lord!!!!

I will rewind back a couple of years on my next post.

Simply Stated

Life simply stated......

Life does not always turn out the way we hope, usually it takes a couple of detours from the we imagined it into very unfamiliar areas. Sometimes these detours are pleasant surprises, but often times they are not.

What do we do then?

How do we deal with the hurt of failed relationships? What happens to our broken dreams?

Today, I find myself on one of those detours and I am not a happy camper. In fact, I have cried buckets today, I did not want to get out of bed. I believe in God, and in His son Jesus Christ, and I wish I could say I woke up believing in His sovereignty over my situation today. But this morning, I did not.

But as my day worn on, in God's gracious and wonderful way, God's peace and love overtook me.............. My problems have not rolled away, but I know my life is controlled by Him.

I know this may seem unclear to you as you read this blog. But I pray for the courage to explain my pain with infertility, and how God has wiped my every tear, and comforted me. It is a daily struggle, trusting and believing He is who He says He is. I am still not pregnant. So why am I here? Simply stated, I want to walk this new path and share my experiences with you; we may cry together, we may laugh, but whatever we do, it is less painful and more fun when done with company.........

PS; As you can tell, I am not a writer...................