Finally, I am rewinding

Rewinding back a couple of decades (years pls I am still young lol). I became a Christian at a very young age 17. And my life was smooth sailing from then on, well then till a couple of years ago. I did not struggle much with my faith, with praying and receiving. And whenever I prayed and did not receive, I usually was blessed with something bigger than I imagined. I never really waited on the Lord too long. I don’t' say this arrogantly but as the plain truth. This was my experience. He has always blessed me beyond my expectations.

Then shortly after I got married, things began to spiral out of my control, not my marrige, just everything else that concerned. I would pray and nothing happened, in fact sometimes it seemed to get worse. Then finally we decided to have another baby, then I had a miscarriage which was devastating, but oddly enough I was not too shaken by it, because God cocooned me with His presence and love. And a day or two after my miscarriage, I read Psalm 139:13-16 and my heart was at peace.

So naturally we tried for another baby and this blog was born.

This is my honest analysis of my situation; I am somewhat of a control freak. I will not take on more juggling balls than I can juggle, and when my balls are juggling nothing should interrupt me. This is a problem. When you give your life to God, you basically give Him control of the number of balls and the juggling. But learning to do this is a process, we are not born trusting God, when we get saved we do not immediately trust God completely. It is a process. And my juggling balls after 13 years of being a Christian means I am not trusting God completely. And if you ask me, honestly I will say I trust Him, but I have not had an experience trusting Him. Basically, I need a life lesson in trusting God and letting Him show Himself to be who He says He is. What we like to call a testimony. Because until now, I have verbally said I trust God but I have never really had to walk around blinded and with my hands tied (not being able to see/control the things around me). My infertility is just one of many things that are not going the way I planned, but it is the most personal, nothing has pierced my heart more.

So I say Lord, I am here, teach me to trust you. May I live to tell of your wonderful grace. I know this process is painful but it is purification, and a letting go of who I am and becoming more like Jesus. Lord:

Take my life, and let it be Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days, Let them flow in ceaseless praise.

Take my hands, and let them move At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet, and let them be Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips, and let them be Filled with messages from Thee.

Take my silver and my gold: Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect, and use Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine, It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own, It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself, and I will be, Ever, only, all for Thee.

Words: Frances R. Havergal (1836-1839)
Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (1756-1791)