What if we have twins or triplets

The thought never really occurred to me till today that we may end up with Twins or Triplets. While the thought of twins is very appealing to me, the thought of triplets is quite scary. 3 babies. My husband is terrified of having twins.

If we have twins I would like a boy and a girl.
If we have triplets - I think I would need to be resuscitated
If we have a singleton - I would like a boy

But like I blogged about earlier I would be very happy and blessed with any of the three. Blood test on Tuesday. Is it just me or does tuesday feel like an eternity away.

The Waiting Game

I was really tempted to take a Home Pregnancy Test (HPT) today. In fact I woke up my husband asks where I am going, and I tell him. Get to the bathroom and took the test and it was positive - the only thing - I was dreaming. So I actually wake up, get the test out, but got too chicken to take it.

There are some days I feel really pregnant, other days I feel my period should be here any day soon. Ohhhhhhhhhhh my goodness, some days I am confident other days I am close to tears. My heart is really struggling. I should believe God, but I have so many questions. Why should I have to go through this when He can do it in the first place all by Himself.

What is interesting is that no matter the outcome I am going no where. I will still struggle to build up my faith. Well I week from today I will find out if I will build up my faith full of joy, or full of tears.

2 Week Wait - Day 1 - My Friend's Dream

To while away my 2 week I am going to blog about random thoughts. This however is not too random, it is a dream a friend of mine had that was really Erie.

On Saturday after my egg retrieval, my good friend (whom I will call AR), calls too check in on me and then tells me about her dream. The dream: We are both in a doctors office and she is sitting behind me and sees all I see, but I can't see her - as she is behind me. And after a,while of waiting I hear singing and tell AR to stop singing. I am not singing she responds. And then one more time I hear singing (pls keep in mind this is a dream) and I tell her again to stop singing and then suddenly a flash of light goes across the room and female angel appears.

Well I thought the dream was cute. It was very encouraging and I was thankful for it. I am not big on angels, nothing against them but my focus has always been on Jesus, so I don't focus on the wrong things.

So that is the dream. Monday I get a call from my nurse letting me know that my transfer is for Tuesday. My husband was not available so I was planning on going on my own. So AR and I touch base on Monday night and she offers to come along.

As it turns we get into the transfer room and she ends up sitting behind me and sees everything I see the ultrasound screen, the nurse - she has a great view of the whole room, but I do not see her. Like that is not Erie enough. They turn the lights off and my doctor puts a hat with a white light - like a miners hat with the light - and at one point he swings around in his chair and a quick flash of light goes across the room. White light. I am like that is the angel she saw. The only thing missing was the music/singing

Now keep in mind when she had this dream she had no idea she was coming with me. In fact the decision to come into the room with me was made in the waiting room as I waited my turn. What does this mean? I believe God did send an angel to be with me in that room, and every time I think about it I am thankful. AR by the way gets chicken skin when we talk about it. As women you know we have talked about it quite a bit.

Transfer Was Today

My transfer was for today. It was relatively painless. Out of the three Embryos two were grade "A" embryo's and one was a grade "B". According to my embryologist, I have a 50 - 60% chance of getting pregnant. These are my probabilities.

• It is most probably I will get pregnant
• The next most probably outcome is that I not get pregnant
• The next most probable outcome is that I have twins
• And finally the most improbable outcome is that I have triplets.
  

Well other than the second option I will take all the other three. My hope is that it is God's will and at then end of it all we have a little baby come may. I have a pregnancy test in early September, so I have 13 days to wait. I am going to keep blogging and keep my feet off the ground. Please keep me in your prayers. Don't know what I am going to blog about. I have to keep my mind off of it. I know what, my friend had the wiredest dream the other day. I have to share that next.

All nerves

This is my third posting today and hopefully my last till Tuesday I will try really had to keep off till I hear how the embryos are doing. I am really nervous. Faith can be really hard, but like I have said in previous posts it is not a faith issue for me per say, it is trusting God.

I know God can do anything, He is God. But what if it is not His will for me. That is where I struggle. Trusting His judgment and trusting the outcome is what He wills because He is sovereign. It is like jumping off a precipice giving up control of my life to God, but that is what He wants. "Everything" And although this may not seem like every thing - it is a start. It really is. And maybe this is why I am on this journey, to learn to give it up and trust Him for the really big things. Only heaven knows. I think I am going to call it a night and go build up my faith for tomorrow funny enough I have a Bible reading plan that I go to when every now and then and this was today's reading it from Luke 18:35-42 . It talks about a man getting his sight back because of his faith. (I have quoted from Luke for a while so It is very true) It gave me confidence for a minute but then the mind voices started again. Now it is time to believe the word instead of the voices. So if anyone is praying for me out there please now will be the time.

Thanks all.

Oh ye of little faith

My husband and I have decided to only fertilize 3 eggs out of the 21 and believe God for the best. Some times I feel very confident about the decision, other times I am riddled with doubt and fear. One part of me wants to fertilize all the eggs and then make a selection of the best 3 from the lot and discard the rest. I also know if we do this, I will never be able to live with myself and I will be the biggest hypocrite I know. Preaching one thing, but living another.

I am hoping and believing God that by Tuesday I will have a great testimony. This has to be hands down one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make. I want to be selfish and not care about what I believe after all God will forgive me right? hmmmm. Will I forgive myself for taking advantage of His grace and of life.

I think in life we all have defining moments, instances where time stands still and we make decisions that can change the course of our lives. I really feel this is one of those decisions for us. Either we live what we believe and believe God and know He knows what is best for us. Or we forget everything and look out for numero uno.

Oh ye of little faith.......... Haven't I come through for you again and again. Trust me and your children will be like the taste of honey to you and to me.

Lord we give the reins back to you. Guide the doctors hands and let him miraculously select all that You will for us in Jesus name we pray, Amen.

Moral Dilemma

I couple days ago I rejoiced over the 21 follicles developing, now we are faced with a huge moral dilemma. Of the 21 follices/eggs how many should be fertilized? Do we want to freeze any of the fertilized embryos? And after the eggs fertilized what do we do with the babies not implanted in me?

Follicle Count

Today I went in for my ultrasound and estrogen level check. As of today I have 21 follicles developing and estrogen level of 3,000. I know this sounds like an outrageous number, but considering my doctor only expected about 4 or more follicles to develop I am ecstatic. So is my doctor. They are very pleased with my response. I am very thankful to God.

I know this sounds cliches, but my test results do not line up with how my body is responding to treatment. The test results (which I have done about 6 times in the last year and a half) consistently show premature ovarian failure. This is what they do; they draw blood on day three of my menstrual cycle and test the fsh levels. Normal levels in women in their childbearing years is between 4 - 10. My obgyn told me she does not like even seeing a 9, and then she referred me to a fertility specialist.

Anything greater than 10 is considered ovarian failure. Mine was 12.8 and my doctor felt my ovaries had aged - more like a woman's in her mid 40s. Seeing him today was interesting. His words verbatim, "your fsh is not indicative of the conditions of your ovaries". Needless to say I am so thankful and I believe God hand will follow us throughout the whole process.

I know this is not everyones testimony - so I am especially thankful for this and I am not even pregnant yet. I will pray for anyone who needs prayers. Consistently through this process, I have been led to this scripture Luke 11: 5-10 and I have never figured out why I had to keep praying if He heard me the first time, or why I had to pray at all, but this is the road I found ahead of me, the cup placed before me. And I tried really hard to take the road and drink my portion. I can't say I did it happily but I have tried really to take it all and be thankful. My road is not nearly over but whatever the outcome, it may take me a couple of months to adjust to either outcome, but adjust I will and praise Him I will.

Progress till date

My treatment is going well till date. Not without its ups and downs (still on the emotional roller coaster - but I am focusing on His promises and not how I feel). I began my daily injections on Tuesday, August 8th. The injections are not too painful, it is kinda wired injecting oneself. Oh well.

So over the weekend I got discouraged, for no real reason per say, but I was down on the dumps. And I began to google the success rate for IVF treatment with women who are going through menopause or one who has a high fsh. I mean it was like someone punched me in the tummy. Most of the articles I read said it was a waste of time to even bother with treatment - basically there was no hope and the ovaries will not respond to stimulation. So I had that hanging over me and getting discouraged. And God ministered to me over the weekend about my self pity and doubt - more on that later.

So anyway I went into my first doctors appointment today since beginning treatment, I prayed and as I usually do, I actively practice leaving all my fears and concerns at the feet of Jesus. So I go in for my ultra sound to find out if I am responding to the injections. The lady starts looking and of course I can't help but ask; "how many follicles do you see?" "Well I see only one, but gimmie a minute" My heart dropped and I prayed Lord your will be done, was disappointed. So I am laying there and she keeps typing and moving the ultrasound wand around. At the end of it all, she counts 13.

Wow, 13. My nurse was very surprised. My doctor had thought, given my prognosis, I would only have maybe 5 or 6 follicles. Well the number was doubled. Needless to say I was ecstatic. One would have thought I was already pregnant.

I needed to share that. And heaven only knows what the outcome of this would be. I hope to have a baby. But whatever it maybe I will give God all glory because he deserves it no matter the outcome. I will share more on His faithfulness to me over the weekend, in the days to come.

God bless - He came that we my have life and have it more abundantly John 10: 10.

The faithfulness of God

I came across this Blog and this posting spoke to my heart. Speaks to the faithfulness of God. He is faithful to minister in the mist of a fog not storm, but when you don't know which way to go.

Present Day Hope: A Classic Case of Watered Down Dreams

We all have things that we are hoping for, dreaming of and desperately desire. I am sure we can each name several things that we would like to see come to pass, materialize - you know just happen. But what do you do when you are in between the conception and manifestation. Initially it is easy to live with the concept, but after a while it becomes harder to "keep the hope alive". It becomes easier to deaden the longing than live with a longing unmet in the wake of the harsh reality that screams "it will never happen". As crazy as it may seem our reality constantly sends messages straight to our brains that cause us to continually assess our present circumstances. However, our dreams reside in our hearts which creates a tug of war - heart vs. mind. Our mind is wired to process facts often gathered through observation, inquiry, confirmation, etc. but our hearts are designed to believe in possibilities that often border the impossible or supernatural realm.

Possibilities are fueled by faith and sustained by hope but often quenched by doubt and suppressed by fear. One of the hardest feats in life is to have hope in the midst of contrary circumstances. So how do we cope… well I can tell you how I cope. It's rather simple really; I water down my dreams to what I can manage and what my abilities can make happen. I take an inventory of my skills, talents and even gifts and draft a plan. Basically I reduce my dreams to attainable goals where some level of effort required but nothing considerable of course then that would be dreaming. Goals are easier to manage, track and eventually attain. It is like having a "to-do" list, goals are items you can cross off and put behind you. Personally it is too hard to hope and live all at the same time. Life has enough challenges without adding the heartache of unmet longings. There are so many demands on me from the world around me on any given day, week, month that it makes it almost unbearable to place a perpetual demand on myself to dream the impossible or believe the incredible.

What is crazy is that just when I have finished trading my dreams for goals and think I have solved the dilemma of hopelessness is when God stirs my desire for dream once again. He will send a messenger that says "Don't give up, Don't give in.. trust Me" or he will permeate my thoughts while I sleep with a vivid dream or he will simply use some nostalgic event to arouse my memory (an old school song, journal entry, picture). God is relentless, persistent but all the while a loving father who won't let us settle down for watered down dreams and won't even let us annihilate the desire to see the dream come to pass. God knows that our attempt to annihilate the hope of our dreams is a form of self mutilation as we kill off a piece of who we are - our hearts. He loves us too much to allow us to degenerate into dead men walking -merely just existing from day to day. If he wanted us to be void of a soul, he would have created us to function as robots. It is the hope of our dreams that connect us to the heart of God and provides an entry point for God to enter our hearts which in turn brings us life and sustains us. Hope expands our hearts to breathe in God but hope is not without its share of tears. Our tears create a pool of water where the greatest miracles can take place - like the turning of water into wine.

posted by Ese @ 4:40 AM

The IVF Journey Begins

My period came late today so tomorrow is considered the first day of my period.

The IVF journey begins. I start with the injections tomorrow. Lord I really believe that it is for freedom that you have set us free. I do not want my desires to entangle me into despair and hold me in bondage. May your will be done, be near to me and hold my heart in your hands, close to your heart. Gal 5:1 and Psalm 139:5

Lord do a work in my husband and me. Let this cross bring you glory and change our lives for the better. May it lead us and keep us in the early Eden experience where we walk and talk together with you in Jesus name, through whom we are receive our righteousness

Ordinary vs. Extraordinary

I came across this question on a blog that I read: "How does your life feel ordinary and how can it be truly extraordinary?". The question was open to the blog readers and a lady gave this very interesting, yet simple answer.

"Life is made up of ordinary days" is a favorite quote of mine. I can still remember my first moment of "ordinary days". It was soon after coming home from my honeymoon. The year before had been full of meeting my husband, being wooed, getting engaged, and planning a wedding. And an extraordinary day...all eyes were on us. Then, we were just another couple, learning, growing, going to work, and paying bills. Days, months, and a year went by, and then a new adventure: I was a mother to be. Well, the baby arrived, the grandparents glowed, the gifts arrived, and then Dad and grandma went back to work and I began a new set of "ordinary days". Click here to read on

Trust and Obey

During my quite time today, this hymn came to mind. God is faithful to comfort.

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Refrain

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

Refrain

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Refrain

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet.
Or we'’ll walk by His side in the way.
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

Refrain

Emotional Roller Coaster

Today was a low day, not all day, but for most of the day. I found out some else was pregnant today. What makes this especially hard is that I feel alone. The wonderful lady had a son a month after I had my child, but she had some emergency surgery done immediately after delivery, and the doctors felt that permanent damage was done to her ovaries, so no more children. Misery (not total) loves company. There is a sense of things being okay when you are not the only one going through a difficult situation.

She is a Christian as well, early 30s. If felt like we had a secret bond. I wonder why God answered her prayers and not mine................ But I know it is not very wise to compare, we are all called to walk different paths. But Lord, it stings

I know at the back of my mind God will answer my prayers - could be a yea or No. I really hope it is a yea, and soon.

Hope deferred makes the heart Sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12